Historical Maritime combat

Piles are painful sometimes extremely painful but that is not all: they afflict you in

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Piles are painful, sometimes extremely painful, but that is not all: they afflict you in a way that makes life peculiarly and all- consumingly uncomfortable.The act of sitting down becomes so refined and delicate a business it is positively balletic. Of all the plagues rained down by the God of the Old Testament, the emerods of Ashdod must surely rank as the meanest. And when the men of Ashdod saw that it was so, they said: 'The Ark of the God of Israel shall not abide with us, for His hand is sore upon us.'" (I Samuel v: 6,7.) Anybody who has suffered from "emerods" - also known as haemorrhoids or piles - will know just how sore. First spooky things start happening to their idols; then comes something far worse. "The hand of the Lord was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods. As Hilaire Gomer points out: "Princess Di won't be terribly enthusiastic about giving Tiggy a reference.".

THERE IS A moment in the Old Testament when the Philistines capture the Ark and take it away to Ashdod, and then discover this is a bad idea. But in nine of 10 situations it all works out very well."But if it doesn't, the poor nanny may find herself in a no-win situation. The harder she works and the better she does her job, the less likely the lurking mother is to appreciate her efforts. Sometimes the nanny is thrown in the deep end - many of them are very young, and some need a good deal of hand-holding and attention. "In that situation, many nannies love the responsibility, and one with gumption and go will get on with it.

It's rare for a nanny to have an affair with the father, and it actually happens more often with a couple - a single father has far more pressures and probably hasn't even got the time to think about it.""Lone fathers are often in a difficult enough situation without adding further complications," adds Hilaire Gomer, author of The Good Nanny Guide (Vermilion, pounds 11.99). She would be someone mature in outlook, level-headed and experienced, not one whose eyes light up and who says 'I hope he's loaded!' - that has happened!"You'd think it would be prime time for the nanny to step in and grab the father, but very often they have girlfriends lurking. I still see the boys, but there is always that bridge or distance between the family and you."A father coping alone with children will require high-calibre help. Vicky Barker, manager of Nannies Plus and Canonbury Nannies in Finchley, estimates that around one in 10 of her bookings is for a lone father. "There have been far more over the last year or two, maybe from divorce, or because the mother has passed away, or sometimes the father has won custody of the children I would send a nanny who would fit in with a single father. If they needed anything they would come to me, poor little boys.

The parents were a couple that should never have had children." So did she slither in and take over the children's affections? "You get attached to the children, of course, but it's a business relationship. They got all their love from me - I wanted them to feel loved and wanted. "He didn't even say hello in the mornings - it was as though I was a servant He took no interest in the children, who were only small. He'd rather stick them in front of the video and sneak off for a fag than spend any time with them.

It's an advantage if you're pig-ugly, actually."Other fathers are just plain weird. "I recently worked in a family where the mother was a real career woman and the father was supposed to be the main parent - he was there more often," says Victoria, 23. "But I do remember one family where the mother started doing her hair like the nanny, and buying the same clothes - spooky I'd have been very worried if it'd been me. Though this nanny was very beautiful - lots of mothers don't want beautiful nannies. Clare couldn't think of any examples among her friends of nannies who had started an affair at work. We only had one row in the two-and-a-half years I was there, but it was far more upsetting than it would otherwise have been because I had started to think of him as a friend."Though, of course, some nannies may become queen of dad's heart and live happily ever after, salacious stories are few and far between.